If this editing thing doesn’t work out

My roommates and I had a BYU-themed farewell party last night for my belovéd roommate J_H, who is taking her mad shopping skillz and her Love Sack and setting off for Provo in less than 48 hours (ah, tragedy!). As it was a BYU-themed party, we had caffeine-free beverages, lots of BYU style, and, of course, beard cards for the facially hirsute. The text on the beard cards was as follows:

Wherefore let it be known to all nations, kindreds, tongues, and people, that whereas the possessor of this card has proved real and abiding need, said possessor is granted by Brigham Young University – Massachusetts (hereafter the Establishment) permission to wear one (1) beard, mustache, goatee, pair of sideburns of varying length, assortment of stubble, or other configuration of facial hair, provided aforementioned facial hair is worn in good taste and in good faith, as determined by designated officers of the Establishment, and provided that aforementioned facial hair is not worn for the purpose of compensation for lack of head-top hair, and this card shall forthwith serve as evidence of possessor’s compliance with the Establishment’s existing policies, pursuant to the agreement entered into by the possessor and the Establishment.

Playing with words is such fun. Especially when I get to be thoroughly pretentious with my syntactical gymnastics.

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